All in a day ...

12:37 AM ... "Mommy, mommy ..."!!!  Little one crawls into bed with me. 

1:43 AM ... Avery takes up 97% of a Queen Size Bed  ... how does a 28-month old who weighs 29lbs sprawl out like an octopus and snore like a sailor!  (For the record I have never personally heard a sailor snore!  Darn)

5:55 AM ... Waking up and thinking 'oh my goodness I am exhausted'. 

5:57 AM ... Avery is having sweet dreams which are soon a sweet memory - Golden Retriever is wishing everyone a Barking Good Morning ...  "Molly shut it!"

5:58 AM ... Hubby -- early bird -- is arriving home from Tim's with a coffee. 

6:00 AM ... Alarm goes off.  Beep, Beep, Beep ... Must officially get up!

6:05 AM ... Convincing Avery to have her diaper changed, brush her teeth and comb her hair

6:14 AM ... Threatening that teeth will fall out

6:19 AM ... Debating what to t-shirt to wear ... "No flowers, no puppies and no words Mommy!" ... we settle on stripes

6:34 AM ... Jump in shower, step on fish bath toy ... first experlative of the day ... #!$#%^$^%

6:45 AM ... Daddy takes over Avery duty

7:17 AM - 4:50 PM ... Fight traffic, work, fight traffic (second, third, fourth and fifth experlatives of the day)

4:55 PM ... Pick up Avery from Montessori ... she skips to see me and exclaims to her classmates "My Mommy"!

5:15 PM ... Take little one to dinner and do some errands ...

6:45 PM ... Stop in at Daddy's work and Avery tells Jeff's co-worker ...  "Mommy went Poopy!"

7:15 PM ... Convincing Avery to change her diaper, brush her teeth and put on 'jammies'

7:27 PM ... Theatening that teeth will fall out

7:32 PM... "Bang, bang, clatter bing bang ..."  reading Munsch's Mortimer for the 149th time

7:49 PM... Tuck 'Monkey' in ... hearing  "I wuv you Mommy"

7:51 PM ... Realizing it is all worth it!  Yaddyaddayaddablahblahblah ...

Cucumbers ... really?!

Ok - so we all get those e-mails ... the silly LOL jokes or better yer LMAO, the "you will live 20 more years if you forward this in the next ten seconds", the photos of the apes mothering baby tigers and the extend your 'member' now offers! 

So my Mother sends me an e-mail about the power of cucumbers!  

Yep ... they eliminate fog on the bathroom mirror, they work on a hangover, they can be used to shine your shoes and fix a squeaky hinge.  Really?  A squeaky hinge ... off to the crisper I go! 

One of the other miracle uses for cucumbers is ... and I quote ...


"Looking for a fast and easy way to remove cellulite before going out or to the pool? Try rubbing a slice or two of cucumbers along your problem area for a few minutes, the phytochemicals in the cucumber cause the collagen in your skin to tighten, firming up the outer layer and reducing thevisibility of cellulite. Works great on wrinkles too!!!"

Does it really say ... 'a slice or two'?  Really ... 'a slice or two'? 

If I am reducing the cellulite on my ass with a cucumber ... we are talking a special delivery from Farm Boy with a two-ton truck. 

Hey ... now I have a use for that Slap Chop my Mother bought me!  Chopping the cucumber that will be rubbed on my buttocks ... suddenly I have a craving for a Greek Salad ... no wait tzatziki! 

The way I figure it ... if I quit my job ... slice cucumbers and rub said cucumbers on my arse ... I will have tightened my ass by the time I retire!  Yaddayaddayaddablahblahblah ...

I was a Cosmo Girl ...

It is 10:00 PM and I shut off the TV ... get my jammies on, brush my teeth and jump into bed ... grab my latest magazine and it hits me ... I was a Cosmo girl! 

Cosmopolitan magazine was what I took to bed in the early days ... now it's Today's Parent!

Dating advice, high style, sex tips and 'are you wearing the right blush?' in the past were my biggest issues?! 

Now potty training, 'no more meltdowns', the latest in cupcakes and butt paste are my leisure reading choices. 

In between Cosmo and Today's Parent ... Bride's R Us, Scrapbooking for Dummies, Cooking for Complete Idiots, and my fav with a really long title ... 'If you stopped reading this magazine and got on the treadmill instead ... you wouldn't be fat!' ... and of course, Oprah , pregnancy, Time and whatn was I thinking Yoga Today.    Each marking a milestone ...

I remember when I got engaged ... one of the times ... LOL ... that I traded in 'Just OK' sex for night after night of peering through wedding magazines ... the dress, the flowers, the decor, the cake ... and then it hit me ... (when I found him on the couch in the morning, because he couldn't get into bed because of all the wedding magazines on his bedside) I wanted a party, I didn't want a marriage!  I called it off ...

No more Supermodels or Talk Show Queens grace the covers of my magazines ... now it is coiffed children in the latest Gymboree ensemble eating perfect cookies ... (but it does make me feel better knowing from my model booking agent days that those kids probably had a fit .... didn't like the clothes they had to wear, the shoes were too tight, they were hot and grumpy, mad they couldn't actually 'eat' the cookies and didn't care if they were on the cover of a magazine).  There ... I can be grumpy too!

I am happy to cuddle up with my parenting magazines ... don't get me wrong ... just realized how I can see my life's journey in the grocery check-out!  Yaddayaddayaddablahblahblah ...

What NOT to Expect - the Toddler Years

My little one is becoming very independent and as much as I love it ... it drives me nuts!

"No coat Mommy", "Pink coat ... no purple coat" ... "Avery put on boots ... Mommy help".

"Rush teet, potty now, wash hands with Elmo soap ... Mommy no help ... Mommy help ... no Daddy help".

She is strong-willed and very determined to do stuff on her own yet, at 27 months that is limited ... it stretches our love when the little ones become increasingly independent.  Becoming their own little person!

It stretches our patience and then the books come out "What to Expect .. the Toodler Years" ... which I think would have been better titled "What NOT to expect" ... more of a fitting title.  "Who's in Charge?" and "The twos don't have to be terrible" ...

I know her independence is a good thing ... really I do ... I let her choose her jammies and the other night she marched right up to me and said "Monkey PJS for Avery".  I like the fact that she is making decisions and she is extremely tenacious!  I need to breath deep and count to 10 ... OK ... 20!  And realize that I am blessed to be raising a strong girl ... who is kind and loving ... and VERY funny!

I have had to let go of alot of my Before I was a Mom baggage.  I have had to let go of the small stuff and resist the temptation to say "She dressed herself" to people at the grocery store.

Before I was a Mom ... my rule ... no soother past 18 months ... did I mention she is 27 months and still uses one! 

Before I was a Mom ... lavender and apple green snowsuit, mittens (waterproof and fleece), neck warmer, boots and hat to match ... now if she gets out the door in a red coat, pink boots (on the wrong feet), green hat, yellow mittens ... we are good to go! 

Before I was a Mom ... every meal was going to incorporate the five food groups and make Martha Stewart crazy with envy ... now ... whenever the doorbell rings Avery dances around rubbing her tummy singing "pizza, pizza ... Avery eating pizza" ... even if it is the Gas Meter Guy, the neighbour to borrow sugar or a political candidate!  I think Bob Chiarelli felt bad he didn't have pizza to deliver! 

I marvel and have a huge amount of respect for parents that have twins, triplets ... lots of kids ... I tip my hat and bow ...

I love my kid -- as I say to her every night "I love you to the moon, the sun and back times ten" ... and she often is my teacher.  Teaching me to become more patient, more tolerant and more relaxed.

Because one moment she is excerting her independence and the next moment she is my little baby again ... looking for cuddles, kisses and a soft place to land. 

At the end of the day ... we look in at our sleeping baby and our hearts burst with happiness at how our little girl is growing up ... yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah. 

Are you there God, it's us ... Canada

From 3:00 - 6:00 EST standard time today ... no phone will ring ... no car will travel the roads ...workers called in sick ... realtors rescheduled 'open houses' ... parents are napping toddlers and kids are given new quiet toys to play with ... yes, it's the Gold Medal game!  Even pregnant women who are in labour are being asked by their husbands to 'hold on until after the game, Honey'.

I am so nervous you would think I was in nets today!   Thank heavens it's Roberto instead.  Louuuuuuu ...!

We will not settle for Silver ... we did not need a little blue dot to figure out where the puck was on the ice ... on that premise alone, the Gold is ours! 

We are a nation of hockey crazed men, women and children ... we love our hockey.  We get up at 5:00 AM to take our kids to the rink ... and we are happy about it.  We dream of our kids being the next super star ... the next Mr. or Mrs. Hockey! 

We need only to hear the first names of our hockey heroes ... Gordie, Bobbie, Wayne, Mario and Sid.  Who will be today's hero ... Getzlaf, Luongo, Staal, Toews, Crosby or Iginla??  Yes, I am leaving out Heatley, I am still mad ...

In 2004 I got on a plane and to my shock & awe ... sitting beside me ... Paul Henderson.  My tummy had butterflies.  I was so excited but wanted to play it cool.  So I waited until 5 minutes before we landed to introduce myself ... although I stole little side looks for the whole flight.  He was very generous and kind ... in my excitement I explained that although I was only a baby ... I had seen the goal a million times and was so excited to meet him!  I asked for an autograph for my Dad.  When I called him Mr. Henderson ... he said "Oh, call me Paul!" ... so when we departed the plane ... I could not resist ... I said "Bye Paul".  I figured I was NEVER getting that chance again!

My love of hockey started with my Dad ... we lived in Deep River and I remember countless Saturday nights cuddled up with him watching 'The Game'.  It was simpler ... no crazy big salaries and no crazy big sponsorships.  It was our thing ... and we got mad when Mom ran the vacuum or the blender ... and there would be TVstatic ... "Mom ... turn if off!!!"  She would bring in popcorn ... I got a soft drink ... my Dad a Labatt's 50.

There will be a lot of praying today ... praying for the puck to stay out of our net and praying for it to go in theirs.  Penalties, off-sides and icing ... a lot of praying!  Are you there God, it's us ... Canada ... yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah.

Is it me ...

Is it me ... or are all the things that were supposed to make life easier, really making it easier? 

Cell phones, the blackberry, the Kindle, the laptop, hands-free calling device ... do they make life easier ... REALLY?!  Now I have to remember to plug everything in ... and to remember them ... period.  When I leave the house without my cell phone and I realize it ... I feel like I am in public without pants on! 

And now with hands - free cell devices everyone that looks in my car when I am driving thinks I am talking to myself ... and they want to send the men in the white suits with the 'special jacket' to get me!

Remember when you called someone and they didn't answer; you hung up and thought ... "they're not home, I'll call later".  Or better yet, you called and there was a busy sound ... beep, beep, beep.  You called back later then too. 

Is it me ... or is life too complicated now?! 
The Crockpot, the George Foreman Grill and the Panini machine ... the ice cube maker and the Majic Bullet.  What happened to a stove, a frying pan, an ice cube tray and a knife and a spoon??!  Don't even get me started about the SlapChop!

Is it me ... or is everything getting bigger? 

Our drug stores are the size of grocery stores, our grocery stores are the size of airport terminals and our airport terminals are the size of islands! 

Big slurpee, upsize me, Mcdouble it, jumbo, Costco ... hell and we wonder why our asses are getting bigger!

Is it me ... or is stuff getting too fast and impersonal? 

I found myself tapping my fingers impatiently waiting at the ABM for cash ... and sighing at the gas pump for the fuel to start - both, never talking to a soul. 

Is it me ... yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah.

Out like a light ...

In 2005 I had a VERY bad dental experience!!! 

The dentist screwed up and I was in the dental chair for close to five hours and when I was done looked like I had gone 3 rounds with Tonya Harding!  The dentist sent flowers the next day - the card read "For your bravery and courage ... the Dental Office Staff".

I am petrified of the dentist -- always have been and always will be.

My dentist offered to fix the screw up ... I put it off having it fixed ... and put it off ... finally he said that he would fix it for free but before December 31, 2009.

So I sucked it up ... and made my appointment.  I tried to be brave.

I had a pity-party but managed to get there in a good mood because they offered some type of new medication that puts you under, you don't remember a thing and it is safe.  No needles to be put under.  So I take them up on the sedation ... for the low, low price of $400. Yikes.

I go in and they give me this crap that tastes like a mint and I am gone to never-never land...

Skip forward to five hours later ... I remember driving in my husband's car and knowing something was wrong. 

Here it is ... 30 minutes after they put me under a fire started in the dentist's office. 

Smoke ... fire.  And me in the dentist chair!

So of course I am out ... they put me in a chair and wheel me around like "Weekend at Bernie's". 

Firefighters are all over the place (mad I missed that ...) ... the place is evacuated. 

I am drooling like Kate Moss when the Dickie-Dee ice cream buggy drives by ... it is not pretty!

Then they call my husband to sit with me at another office close by ... he walks in to find some woman holding my head up and comforting me ... for TWO hours!   He thinks she works for the dentist ... she was another patient!   God bless her. 

They call everyone -- cancel the appointments for the day and the next day. 

Since I am out like a light ... they get permission from the fire department to bring me back in to finish the surgery! 

While putting me back in the chair -- I sense that there is something wrong ...

Yeah something was wrong alright ... I went to the dentist!

My PJ story ...

Pajama bottoms are my weakness.  I have more PJ bottoms than brains.

Care Bears ... Snoopy ...  M&M Candy ... Winnie the Pooh ... I *heart* NY... ones with little teacups, ones with multi-coloured hearts, striped ones, ladybugs and it goes on! 

Do I think that the world is going to come to a crashing halt and the planet will run out of PJ bottoms?!!

I have ones that are too big (my prego PJ's) but I cannot seem to give them up ... I have ones that are too small -- on principle, I REFUSE to give them up!

If mac and cheese is my 'comfort food' ... PJ's are are my 'comfort clothes'! Not just for the obvious reason ... comfort ... but for emotional reasons too! When I am sick or sad ... when I come home from a bad day at work ... I am marching to find my comfy PJ's -- everything seems to get just a little bit better.
My PJ's tell my story.

Some have been in my life longer than the boys who bought them ... wrapped them up and put them under the Christmas tree with care. 

My PJ story includes late nights ... chatting with my best girlfriends while on overnight shopping trips ... laughing until we cried or crying until we laughed. 

Another chapter to my story ... I left a BAD four-year relationship at midnight on July 1st many years ago ... I drove to my parents house hoping not to get pulled over by the police!  Hard to explain the mascara running down my cheeks, the half-eaten carton of Peanut Butter & Chocolate Ice Cream and the Hello Kitty PJ's! 

Most recently ... I have ran outside to grab something from my car with my stripped pink PJ's and fuzzy socks on ... much to my husband's dismay!  I promised him never again ...

A classic moment in my story ... for Avery's first Halloween (she was a cute little mouse!) I got dressed up in my Minnie Mouse PJ's, put my hair in ponytails and strutted around Bayshore Shopping Centre.  I was trying to be the fun Mom!  Reality -- I looked like a jackass! 

What is a 39-year-old woman doing wearing PJ bottoms covered with cartoon dogs, wearing hats and scarves, downhill skiing?!  She is, in her own little way, holding on to every thread of being a girl!  Yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah

Our Wisteria Lane

Therapy. There is 'lie on a couch therapy' ...'go away to a lake therapy' ... retail therapy (my second fav) ... couples therapy ... group therapy, etc ...

My favouite therapy is a bunch of girlfriends sitting around gabbing for a few hours ... that is what I did tonight.  Five women that all live on the same street ... all in committed relationships and all have kids ... all very different, yet all similar.

Kids, jobs, partners ... neighbourhood safety, sales on kids must-haves, potty-training ... it is all on the table!

We all tell our 'baby war stories' .. the delivery, the breastfeeding, the grumpy nurses and the scalpel happy doctors. 

The numbers are flying ... we all interject ours ... 27 hours, 8 lbs 9 oz, 3 days, 3:40 AM, 4 hours, 7lbs 11oz, 2 1/2 hours, 54 lbs, 6 years, 35 minutes, 42 lbs ... these are the numbers that become our badges of honour!  How long did we try to get pregnant?  How long we were in labour?  How much the baby weighed?  How much weight we gained?  What time the babe was born?  How long we pushed for?

We complain about stretch marks, carpel tunnel syndrome and our asses!

We talk about bathing suits and someone offers to share the name of a store that makes a custom fit bathing suit ... we all dream ... more boobs, less boobs, more butt, less butt ... tuck in here, curves there ... smoooth  here and eliminate there. 

We talk about the guys ... the stuff they said, the stuff they didn't say ... the good, the bad and the ugly!

We are a version of Desperate Housewives without the love affairs, the dead bodies and sadly ... the hunky plumber!  Our Wisteria Lane is not as exciting but we like it that way. 

Our next therapy session will probably be more of the same -- and for that, we are all very grateful ... yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah. 

Castro, cats and potato chips ...

I went to Cuba by myself in 1998.  I had called off an engagement and decided I needed to get away ... I wanted some time to think, re-evaluate and sit in the sun!

It was a coming of age trip.  Independence and moving on combined with a dash of Cuban men.

I stayed in a gorgeous hotel with disgusting food.  Every ounce of food was white and gross ... it was the only time on vacation that I lost weight!  The towel shaped animals on my bed every night started to look appetizing!

By day 5 of my 8 day adventure I was so hungry I would have nibbled on a bar of soap. I heard there was a store 'in town' that sold North American snacks! So I hailed a cab ... which ended up to be a horse and buggy and we were on our way ... slowly, but on the way. Clip-clop ... clip-clop I found the store and proceeded to pay $35 for five Halloween sized bags of Humpty Dumpty BBQ potato chips. The 'horse and buggy' was $25 roundtrip ... I spent $60US on these chips! I devoured each one -- they were the best stale chips ever.   I should have bought some for the horse too -- he looked like he could use 'em. 

I sat by the pool for three days ... didn't talk to anyone ... it was glorious!  On day 4, a guy said to me ... "I bet you are Canadian" ... I said "Yes, how did you know ...??" He replied ... "You are the only woman with your top on!"

Which was true ... there were a lot of women and men who should have worn more to the beach than what their Mama gave them!!!   The elderly German women by the pool would have been benefited from a little more bathing suit and a little less of schnitzel! 

I decided to get a massage ... well let me tell you ...  that was an experience!   First of all ... it was $10US ... which should have been a sign!  A female massage therapist with a cigarette (the ashes dangling from the end) came in and said "Get undressed ..." It was all downhill from there ...

The last night in Cuba -- I got all dressed up to have a nice dinner by the pool ... I walked down to the pool area to discover I was the only person in the whole restaurant!!!  And then I made the mistake of ordering lobster ... don't ever order lobster in Cuba!  Cats ... and I mean cats came out from everywhere, dozens of them ... then the five-piece wandering band struck up a seranade to me ... so picture it ... Sam at a table for one, five Cuban musicians, an untouched lobster dinner and dozens of felines!  At one point I started to laugh so hard I could not breath ...

I often think of that trip ... and remember that Girl.  Full of hope and scared to bits ... reminds me of another Girl I know.  Yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah ...

The little things

I am that kinda Mom ... the one that is making homemade Valentine's Day cards, I own a 'butterfly' cupcake pan and I make sure we have the perfect thing for 'show & tell' every Friday! 

I like being 'that Mom'.  I am a bit obsessive (OK - ALOT) ... I plan 2-year old's birthday party like it is the Oscars.  I have a spredsheet for the event ... the invitations, the cake, the lootbags and the activity ...  we have a debrief after and make suggestions for the next year! 

I love doing little things with my daughter ... I couldn't wait to enroll her in dance, swimming and arts classes. 

I took her to Gymboree when she 3-months old and she lay there like a little bump on a log ... other Moms gave other Moms 'the look' ... you know the look 'She's a new Mom; she doesn't get it yet.' 

But I do get it ... more than they know ... you see I have always wanted to be a Mom.

I expect a lot of it has to do with the kinda Mom I have ... she was sent straight from Heaven.  She is kind, sensitive, and beautiful.  My Mom made being a Mom look easy (BTW -- it isn't easy!!!). 

Although she is angelic ... she drives me crazy!  'Samantha Lee - put on your lipstick, you're pale' ... 'Do something with your hair!'  ... 'You are not wearing that sweater are you?' ...

I know her intentions are good ... she's a Mom ... it is what she does, it's her gig! 

And I am starting to understand more and more as my wee one gets older.  You want the best for yor kids.  You will do anything for your child.  You want to provide the best possible opportunities ... so you say stuff and do stuff to show them that you care. 

I have started to appreciate those 'little' things when I was a kid now more than ever ... the 'seasonal napkins' in my lunch kit (hearts, shamrocks and pumpkins).  I remember driving me all over Hell's Half Acre to find beads to make friendships pins and  taking me to see 'Donnie and Marie' at the SuperEx (at the concert a police officer was running after a bad guy and ran over my Mom instead ... but that's another story ... and no the bad guy was not Donnie). 

I realize more and more that the 'little' things that we do for our kids are nothing if we don't do the 'big' things ... and because my Mom made the 'big' things look easy ... I did not realize how challenging it is to be a Mom -- the title carries alot of responsibilty. 

Because once the craft supplies, the baking stuff and the show and tell is done ... it is the strong foundation of unconditional support and love is all that matters.  And you only see the big things in all of the little things when you are ready to look ... yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah

What are you waiting for?

I have a black canvas frame with bright pink letters that reads ... 'What are you waiting for?' in my bathroom.   I see it every day ... I bought it a few years ago at Chapters.  It spoke to me from the 75% off bin ... "Sam take me home ... What are you waiting for?" 

I have led my life ... waiting.  Waiting until I had the right boyfriend ... drove the right car ... had the right hair ... was the right weight ... had the right job ... married the right guy ... was the right kinda Mom ...

Waiting ... and more waiting.  Sometimes ... my profession was Full-Time People Pleaser!  Waiting to fulfill my dreams ... my needs ... my day-to-day life. 

On the treadmill tonight and I caught a glimpse of my butt, which closely resembled two kittens fighting under a blanket, and I wanted to go home. 

I wanted to give up ... no ... I wanted to 'wait' for a time when I was thinner, looked better in my Lululemons and have more energy before I attempt the gym again. 

'It is too hard', I told myself ... I'll 'wait' until Spring ... when it is not so freakin' cold.  I will 'wait' until I am more comfortable with my work-out routine.  I will 'wait' I thought ... a thought I have had recurring for as long as I can remember. 

For the first time I acknowledged that I no longer have time to 'wait'. 

Once again ... I did the math ... and if I get another 39 years on this planet I will be lucky! 

Then it happened ... I kept walking. I kept moving. The kittens kept scrapping under that blanket.

I cannot wait ...

So I did my workout and had some giggles with a friend ... joked about making our next 'workout' ...  a session in the Good Life massage chairs watching King of Queens or even better Biggest Loser! 

But no ... I decided today to eat better, be gentle on myself, plan for my work-out on Thursday and most of all stop hanging out in the waiting room.  Yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah ...

Shoving your boobs into two Dixie cups ...

I like to shop!  Ok ... I said it.  I like to shop!  I like the whole process ... the hunt, the capture and the thrill of the buy!  I even like to return stuff ... it is weird I know!

I have denied this ... but the truth is I like to shop.  For anything ... dish soap, Coach purses, Kleenex, toddler clothes, cereal, craft supplies, lemonade, lightbulbs ... you name it! 

Except ... I hate to shop for bathing suits! 

I liken it to having my teeth drilled ... both leave my mouth open wide saying ... 'I am paying for this??'

First of all ... do we all need to be told to keep our panties on while tryin' on the suits!  PLEASE PEOPLE ... are you kidding me?!!  And then to top it off ... the sticky label in the crotch!  What is that protecting me from ... ?!  Hmmm .. never mind!

Then it is the whole ... colour ... style ... shoving your boobs into two Dixie cups ... and keeping your stuff from heading to the equator! 

Bathing suit boob options ... the 'two ready to strike' missiles, the uni-boob, the WTF- where did they go, the flapjacks and the great spillage of 2010!

It should be punishable by jail time to design a bathing suit with horizontal stripes, any type of animal print or little sailor details.  I say they can serve their jail time on the weekends ... but incarceration for sure!

Who in God's green heaven decided this whole bathing suit thing was a good idea?! 

The purchasing of a bathing suit is punishment ... it must be ... you are placed in a room the size of a Q-Tip box and told to wriggle your ass into Lycra ... then ass hits door ... door flies open to expose the turkey stuffing from last Thanksgiving!

Once you have gathered your composure -- 17-year-old Candy -- the Bathing Suit Salesperson  (AKA the BS salesperson)... knocks on the door.   Smacking her gum she says ... "Like I know how you feel ... I am a size 0 and I cannot find a bathing suit either ... Like, how's it goin' in there???  You there?!! ... Like, you need another size???"

Politely ... no thank you (under breath 'BITCH'). 

Candy ... "Maybe you'd feel better with a wrappy-thing??"

Politely ... no thank you (under breath 'Around your neck, yes')

Then you do the calculation ... you were 22 years old when this toothpick plastered with MAC lipgloss was born ... then you politely excuse yourself and thank Candy for her time ... and for stopping her texting to acknowledge your exit. 

At home you try on your old bathing suit and think ... yeah this one will do, I'll get a new one next year.   Yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah ...

Sending a man to space ...

Sex.  Yep sex.

Was so simple when we were younger and dating ... he liked you, you liked him ... done.

Now it is like preparing to sending a man to space!  The atmosphere, the timing, the equipment,  ... all has to be in perfect harmony. 

The atmosphere ... did we fight about who let the $16 worth of chicken breasts go bad in the fridge?  Are the monsters-in-law asking to visit?   Did he not even look up yet responded 'great' when you asked if he thought you looked good in that sweater?! 

It is complicated ... the time.  When ... before we could have sex on the kitchen table at 1:00 in the afternoon ... now ... not so much!  Now it is little Elmo divided plates and juice cups scatter the kitchen.  In the morning ... wee ones want to go potty and 'rush teet'!  At night ... we are so freakin' tired ... we can barely see straight and we are craving some alone time.  Criminal Minds and Grey's are calling ...

Houston we have a problem!  The equipment ... on both sides ... if the time and the atmosphere are right but the equipment is outta service ... no one is blasting off.  Equipment ... did I shave my legs, do I feel like it, do I want to after playing the 'I have to lose weight' tapes over and over again in my head all day. 

Does he want to??  Does he feel like it??  Who is taking the lead and would he rather catch another round of TSN highlights ...

Say it is 10PM ... in eight hours we are going to hear "Momma ... Mommmmmaaaa ... Dadda ... Daaaaadddda" and it all starts again - so we opt for more sleep than love.  Would we change it ... NOT in a milion years.  Do we need to find more balance ... yes, this year we do.

Thanks Ma'am ...

It started about 5 years ago innocently enough ... I would be in a video store check-out or at the gas station or at the grocery store and some snotty-nosed, pimple head would say "Thanks Ma'am". 

I laughed the first few times thinking ... obviously he says that to everyone and he did not notice who I AM!  I would look behind me thinking 'There is no 'blanking' way on earth that he is talking to me!'

I am not a Ma'am ... (insert stomping feet and waving hands here) ... I AM NOT a Ma'am.  I cannot be ... not yet!  I am not ready to be a Ma'am ... I still listen to loud music, I sometimes eat ice cream for dinner, I am up on the lastest celebrity gossip and I know who the Jonas Brothers are ... I AM NOT a Ma'am!

Although I do find myself doing what I vowed I would never do ... the whole "when I was your age ... I walked to school for ten miles uphill ... both ways". 

I am doing it ... I asked a twerp at the drug store if he had ever heard of a 'music record and a 45' before ... and I added 'we had to put a little circle in the middle of the 45'! 

I mentioned Red Skeleton to a younger friend recently and the blank stare concerned me. 

We only had two TV stations growing up ... CBC and the other one.  If the Billy Graham Crusade was on ... you watched it ... or you watched Pierre Burton and Barbara Frum ... or you actually went outside and got cold and dirty and no one stole you!  No one wanted you! 

Am I turning into that woman?!  The grumpy one ... who dreams of other times? 

Tonight a perky Shopper's Drug Mart clerk  ... "Ma'am would you like a free sample" ... my thought at the time ... how sweet, now there's a nice young lady. 

Until I got home ... it's 'bleeping' anti-wrinkle cream.

Ma'am is about to apply anti-wrinkle cream and stare into mirror until results appear ... yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah. 

Those retail bastards, yogurt finger prints and my ass!

When did it happen?  When did I stop taing care of myself?  When did the size of my ass not become a priority!?? 

When did I decide it was OK to wear jeans that had 2-year-old yogurt finger prints to the shopping centre? 

When did I decide it was OK to wear my hair in a ponytail and not bother with makeup? 

When did the denial about clothing sizes start ... 'Those bastards are making clothes smaller now- it's a retail scam'!!!

When did I stop caring what I look like? 

Was it when I got married?  When I had a baby?  Was it when I thought 'now I have everything'?!

Was it when I put everything before me? 

I was the kinda girl who had matching bras and panties!  I was the kinda girl who took pride in my style!  I was a booking agent at a modelling agency for Pete's sake!  OH how Susan Palmer would cringe to see me now! 

Oh the best part ... in my single / dating days I would JUDGE women that look exactly like I do now!!!  I would snicker at the lack of 'togetherness' and vow that 'I will never be like that when I am a wife and a Mom'.  'Oh no ... those women just don't know how to put their foot down and demand time for themselves ... they don't know how to manage time'! 

I would be the perfect Mom / Wife ... cuz I would multi-task ... I would combine Swiffering with pilates, I would document my kid's every moment and word while I exfoliated ... I would have a cookbook in one hand and my husband's penis in the other! 

Well what's gonna give??!  Something has gotta give ... yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah!

Eye cream in one hand and Blogging for Dummies in the other hand

OK ... so I am doing this -- blogging!  I turned 39 years old today and will be chronicling my journey to 40.

I am armed ... with eye cream (who knew that black circles appear under your eyes the day you turn 39) and with another book with the word 'Dummies' in the title.  I am addicted to those books ... I have the Cooking for Dummies, Time Management for Dummies, Yoga for Idiots ... I am beginning to see a trend -- I buy the book and then it all stops, no cooking, wasting time and no downward dog!! 

I vow that Blogging for Dummies will be different ...

Excited, scared, neutral ... all the words that describe how I feel about turning 40.  I have a year to get comfortable with it.  Some days I am petrified and some days I don't care.  It is funny I don't feel 39 ... whatever that means.  I remember my parents and their friends turning 40 ... it was a BIG deal.  They spray painted the lawns with a big 4 - 0, there were a lot of flamingos and parties! 

I am off to a bad start on the 39-thing ... I lost my car in the Michael's Craft store parking lot and walked around like a complete schmuck ... talking to myself.  Then for a flash I thought ... now I know why my Mom ties a ridiculous flower to her atennae.  OMG ... am I my Mother!??! 

Well ... that is it for today.