Shoving your boobs into two Dixie cups ...

I like to shop!  Ok ... I said it.  I like to shop!  I like the whole process ... the hunt, the capture and the thrill of the buy!  I even like to return stuff ... it is weird I know!

I have denied this ... but the truth is I like to shop.  For anything ... dish soap, Coach purses, Kleenex, toddler clothes, cereal, craft supplies, lemonade, lightbulbs ... you name it! 

Except ... I hate to shop for bathing suits! 

I liken it to having my teeth drilled ... both leave my mouth open wide saying ... 'I am paying for this??'

First of all ... do we all need to be told to keep our panties on while tryin' on the suits!  PLEASE PEOPLE ... are you kidding me?!!  And then to top it off ... the sticky label in the crotch!  What is that protecting me from ... ?!  Hmmm .. never mind!

Then it is the whole ... colour ... style ... shoving your boobs into two Dixie cups ... and keeping your stuff from heading to the equator! 

Bathing suit boob options ... the 'two ready to strike' missiles, the uni-boob, the WTF- where did they go, the flapjacks and the great spillage of 2010!

It should be punishable by jail time to design a bathing suit with horizontal stripes, any type of animal print or little sailor details.  I say they can serve their jail time on the weekends ... but incarceration for sure!

Who in God's green heaven decided this whole bathing suit thing was a good idea?! 

The purchasing of a bathing suit is punishment ... it must be ... you are placed in a room the size of a Q-Tip box and told to wriggle your ass into Lycra ... then ass hits door ... door flies open to expose the turkey stuffing from last Thanksgiving!

Once you have gathered your composure -- 17-year-old Candy -- the Bathing Suit Salesperson  (AKA the BS salesperson)... knocks on the door.   Smacking her gum she says ... "Like I know how you feel ... I am a size 0 and I cannot find a bathing suit either ... Like, how's it goin' in there???  You there?!! ... Like, you need another size???"

Politely ... no thank you (under breath 'BITCH'). 

Candy ... "Maybe you'd feel better with a wrappy-thing??"

Politely ... no thank you (under breath 'Around your neck, yes')

Then you do the calculation ... you were 22 years old when this toothpick plastered with MAC lipgloss was born ... then you politely excuse yourself and thank Candy for her time ... and for stopping her texting to acknowledge your exit. 

At home you try on your old bathing suit and think ... yeah this one will do, I'll get a new one next year.   Yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah ...